The "Just Treat Women As People" Mating Strategy: What's Really Missing
by Angela Davis
One of the arguments that masculinity naysayers like to advance appeared on the Purple Pill subreddit. This is the "treat women as people" sexual strategy.
The claim is that an unapologetically masculine man will fail with a woman unless he deals with her at all times as a unique individual. They also claim that men rely too heavily on trumped up tropes and misinformation, and view dating as mortal combat instead of as a mutually satisfying experience.
The argument, as best as I can tell from the subreddit and from other observation, seems to go something like this:
"The problem is that men and women aren't dealing with each other as individuals. You're not getting to know or having a relationship with "women", you're getting to know or having a relationship with A PARTICULAR woman. Everyone's different. Just because most men and women are [insert characteristic of choice here], you can't say all men or all women are like that. At the end of the day, men and women are ultimately looking for the same thing -- a mutually beneficial long term relationship. If men would just approach women in that fashion they'd have much better results. Everyone is relying far too much on generalizations about the opposite sex, and getting burned and frustrated as a result."
At first glance, this sounds simple, easy, and eminently reasonable. If we can all just treat one another as human beings with individual wants and desires, we will all get the intimate relationships we all want. Although this is pretty basic stuff, let's unpack and debunk this.
Generalizations About Female Nature Remain Strategically Essential
"Just Treat Women As People" encourages ignoring and discounting generally known principles of male and female nature. Generalizations are useful precisely because they are generally true, by study and observation. When dealing with any woman, it's foolishness to ignore what is generally known about women as a sex. Sure, Not All Women Are Like That, but Enough Women ARE in fact Like That, so a man must be on the lookout for whatever "that" is. A man must know and understand how women are generally, so that he can successfully relate to the particular woman he's approaching, dating, having sex with, or married to.
A man must not allow the exceptions and outliers to shape his strategies. Sure, it's possible his woman might be a special snowflake. But it's more likely that she isn't, and the generalization holds true. A man must start with broadly understood, generally known principles of how women as a sex operate; and after that, drop it down to specifics with a particular woman. Understanding how to build a lasting relationship beyond ideal proposals requires men to understand that while each woman is an individual, there are predictable patterns in what women prioritize—communication, shared values, and emotional safety—that apply broadly across the female population.
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The Fundamental Misunderstanding Of Sexual Strategies And Goals
"Treat women as people" rests in large part on a belief that men and women are at all times advancing toward the ultimate goal of a permanent long term relationship. This is only partially true. It is true that some people at some points in their lives want an LTR. But, that is most assuredly not always true. Nearly everyone spends some phases of their lives specifically avoiding long term relationships.
It assumes all men and women are at all times rational actors, fully cognizant of their sexual/mating strategies, and up front and above board in stating their intentions and desires. One cannot assume all men and women are all following the same strategy and working toward the same goal at all times. Some men and women claim they're following one strategy when by their conduct they clearly are following another. And, in the realm of intersexual relationships, there are many variables and intangibles that don't always "add up" and can make it or break it with a particular individual. How does this person make me feel? Does this just not "feel right"? Will this work out with my job, career, and other interests? Is this person right for me but there's this one little factor that I just cannot get past? Is the timing right?
And most people will not verbalize what they are doing or why they are doing it, assuming they are consciously aware of it. Much is unstated, presumed, and left for deduction in intersexual relationships. Both women and men, but especially men, are often penalized and demonized for being completely transparent in clearly stating their intentions and desires.
Decisions about interpersonal relationships are usually not fully rational, they don't always "make sense". Not everyone is purposeful or intentional about pursuing a given strategy. Many aren't even conscious of what they're doing; their strategies can be discerned only through observation. And even if they do know what they're doing they can't always articulate it or lay it out verbally for someone else.
The Hidden Variance Between Short Term And Long Term Mating Strategies
It ignores differences between long term and short term strategies. Some men are players and are not interested at all in long term relationships. Some men will look for wives in the future, but for now are content to "play the field" and won't commit due to high standards. Some men are looking for wives now.
It's well understood in the current North American SMP that most women (whether religious or not, whether they know it or not) are using the "lane-changing" strategy of leveraging their peak attractiveness and youth into serial sexual relationships with very attractive men in the hopes of extracting commitment from one of them; and after that almost invariably fails, obtaining commitment from a less attractive man. Some don't want civil legal marriage; opting instead for long term relationships. Knowing when you're ready for the next step in your relationship means understanding that women's strategies shift as they age, their market value changes, and their time horizons compress—a reality that the "treat women as people" framework fails to account for.
There's a difference between long term and short term strategies, and not everyone is at all times looking toward a long range goal or an "endgame".
The Constant Shifting Of Sexual And Romantic Goals Over Time
Proponents of "Just Treat Women as People" fall into the trap of assuming everyone's goals remain constant and that they never change. Closely related to this is a faulty presumption that everyone is looking for the same thing at the same time, even if they don't know it or won't say so. These presumptions are demonstrably and observably false.
The most common example of this is the "lane changing" phenomenon alluded to above. The opening gambit is a short term sexual strategy designed for rapid results and a longshot at commitment from a high value man. When it ultimately fails after an indefinite number of attempts, the tactic shifts to the long range goal of marriage to a "sure thing" beta. The strategy shift usually has nothing to do with the individual man, but on a number of other factors: (1) her perception of her interests, (2) her age, (3) her ability (or inability) to continue attracting high status men; and (4) the totality of all other surrounding circumstances.
Men at various times change strategies in order to serve their own interests as well. There's no question that men change from short term to long term and back again based on surrounding circumstances. Many men aren't preparing for marriage for many reasons, ranging from (1) the poor economy and inability to support a family; to (2) the inability to generate interest from sufficiently attractive women; to (3) the ability to obtain short term sexual relationships with a variety of women. But a strong influence in causing a man to shift from short term to long term is the quality and character of the particular woman he's dealing with. Many men will consider an "endgame" with a woman who meets his standards for quality and character. The objective truth is that being what women want requires understanding her current life stage, her reproductive timeline, and what she's genuinely seeking at this moment—not assuming she's always looking for marriage and commitment regardless of her age or circumstances.
So for these reasons, the implicit claim that a person's strategy is at all times to secure commitment from a potential spouse is simply untrue.
The "Just Treat Women as People" sexual strategy doesn't work, because it doesn't take into account the general principles of male and female nature that men know and need to know. It's unworkable because it presumes across the board uniformity of tactics and interests without regard to sex. It is doomed to failure because it assumes that everyone will deal with each other in good faith and with clear verbal articulation of their interests, when they will not, and in many instances cannot, do so. Men must trust their general knowledge and never presume any constants in sexual relationships or attraction.
