Today’s post is about social anxiety and the way it affects our dealings with the opposite sex. Social anxiety in dating can be quite a challenge, and people get really, really discouraged by it.

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Reader Kazetrigger (KT) found HUS as a survivor of the Red Pill. To his credit, he has taken full responsibility for his interactions with women and is committed to doing the hard work and self-development that will make him successful. I have been impressed by his positive attitude and willingness to consider various points of view. Here’s some of his early commentary:

“I came from a dark lonely place in my life where my relationships were failing and I couldn’t understand why I was left feeling undesired and disrespected. I also have social anxiety which makes approaching women difficult. I got into the PUA community to raise my confidence, but all it did was make me bitter when I couldn’t find the success I wanted. To protect my ego I blamed women, thinking them superficial, “cock carousel riding,” gold-diggers.

…Most of the women who found me appealing for a while were club-hopping, heavy-drinking types that didn’t appeal to me anyway. The women I actually desired largely saw through any lines or act.

…I now take every day to push myself to work past my social anxiety and talk to women without routines. The PUA community helped a little in building my confidence to approach, but I can still be a bumbling mess.

I get better responses now by simply asking questions about her rather than talking about myself (and we all know how some PUAs love to talk about themselves to demonstrate “DHVs”.). I then let them know with a smile that I’m interested in taking them out for coffee. I just have to hope that they can appreciate me as I am. Frankly, I have a lot to be proud of. I should have probably showed more of myself from the beginning.”

There’s a lot that KT is doing right, but often times social anxiety is something that is managed rather than eradicated. The goal is to identify and practice positive behaviors that will reduce stress and allow for spontaneity.

Social Anxiety – The Problem

Social anxiety can be crippling, and it frequently becomes a vicious cycle – the more anxious you feel, the more anxiety you radiate, the less successful your social interactions become. But it’s also incredibly common – I spoke with a psychiatrist in the Counseling center of a local university, and he cited social anxiety as the #1 reason students seek counseling at college. More guys than girls suffer from social anxiety – because men are generally expected to initiate romantic overtures, anxiety is often a bigger problem for them.

Social Anxiety – The Solution

The most successful approach to treating social anxiety is a Cognitive Behavioral one. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is a short-term, goal-oriented approach to problem solving. A treatment approach or plan usually takes 4-7 months, and is aimed at changing thought and behavior patterns to eliminate self-limiting beliefs. Sessions are structured and consist of strategic planning and reporting on completed assignments.

For example, let’s say a freshman guy comes in and describes how he has been going to parties on campus but can’t think of anything interesting to say and doesn’t know how to meet new people (especially girls). He feels very distressed. The CBT plan for him might look something like this:

Week 1: Attend an event on campus without any expectations of interacting with new people. You don’t need to stay long, just show up.

Week 2: Observe the general demeanor of those whose success you wish to emulate. Seek out those who attract you as potential friends. (It’s important to do this with “your people.” Your goal should probably not be learning to do a keg stand or win a drinking game.)

Week 3: Continue to observe those who feel comfortable in social settings. What specific behaviors to they use to introduce themselves? How do they circulate in a room? Do they spend any time alone and watching?

Week 4: Introduce yourself to one new person in the manner you’ve observed. If it’s easier to do this with a person of the same sex, that’s fine.

This approach involves gradual but frequent exposure to challenging situations, with the goal of getting mentally acclimated and eventually practicing new behaviors to reduce anxiety. It’s a cumulative approach.

Why Shortcuts Such as Game/PUA Don’t Work

The Cognitive Behavioral approach has been shown to be highly effective, but you can’t short-circuit the process by cramming all that exposure into a brief period and expect the anxiety to resolve. This is why PUA routines are such a massive fail for most men. They’re delivering the lines a confident guy might use, even as they’re telegraphing palpable anxiety and nervousness. It comes across as incongruous and reads as terrible awkwardness. Sexual attraction is not remotely possible under these conditions.

Cold approaching hundreds of women with the goal of a “number close” is worthless if you’re successful only because you’re getting numb enough to execute the pickup line in the moment without falling apart. This “numbness” is very problematic from a mental health point of view. It teaches men to survive by being literally unfeeling. They lose their ability to make ethical decisions about their own behavior, as well as its effect on others.

With all psychic energy going into becoming “immune” to rejection, all feelings get suppressed, and only the “conquest” of the “target” is valued. All of the language is adversarial – this sounds like sniper talk!

As we’ve seen all too often, those emotions don’t remain dormant forever – they frequently erupt violently as anger and resentment when the desired results are not achieved.

Moving Past Social Anxiety: Refining Behaviors

KT has already successfully moved beyond the early stages of anxiety:

“The girl I’ve been trying to see has been so warm and easygoing the first few times we spoke, and she wasn’t avoiding me (she stayed near me for most of the time and reinitiated conversation at a couple of points and asked me questions about myself, so I take this at least some interest, or at least politeness). I got her number and she was responsive for a few days, but now I haven’t heard from her for a few days. I restrained myself from sending any more contact out there in case she simply missed it or got lazy or something came up (I don’t want to immediately assume that she’s purposefully ignoring me since I don’t have enough info, and I don’t want to appear needy since it’s only been two weeks that we’ve been communicating).

This Friday I will be seeing her in person (we are part of a large group activity that meets at least once a week) and I decided that I will ask her out for coffee (or something where good conversation can happen for longer than a minute or two at a time), and if I don’t get a firm yes, than I will simply take that as a yellow light (which means red light) and peace out. I don’t want to make myself a fool.

I don’t want to burn bridges either, so in honor of the “Don’t Just Disappear” caveat, I will let her know that I’m interested in continuing our pleasant conversations outside of the group and if she changes her mind, she has my number. Then I’ll simply go about my business in the group and she can go about hers.

So, thank you for this information as it has given me a firm plan of action to take with this girl and it will allow me to set boundaries for the type of treatment I will accept from her.”

There are several things that KT is doing right here:

•         It’s great that he was at ease in conversation with this girl.
•         He asked for and received her number.
•         He is well aware that coming across as needy is a dealbreaker for women.
•         He’s prepared to require a firm indication of interest before he spends more time and energy on her.
•         He’s willing to remain cordial and leave the door open without making things awkward in the group.

Fast forward to Friday, and an update from KT:

“I arrived at group and went to the usual spot, and when the girl arrived, she actively avoided me by moving to a different part of the group. So I didn’t even get to say hello. I still wanted to follow my plan as best I was able.

I sent her a text during group saying I was getting coffee after group let out and would she like to join me. After group she bolted away and took a different route out of the building than usual. So I knew that she was now uncomfortable with me. She replied to my text saying she couldn’t, so I said if she changed her mind to get in touch. I let it go after that.

About a half hour later she sent another text saying that she doesn’t want to lead me on and that she has no interest in me in that way. I said I understood and wished her all the best.

So there’s the answer. I’m glad I made the effort and I’m very glad I had a plan so that I didn’t do or say anything stupid, but I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling pretty down. This is the fourth woman I’ve tried to connect with in the past three weeks to no avail. I flirt, banter, and take an interest in their lives, and they seem to enjoy themselves around me, but ultimately all have simply felt nothing for me. I know you can’t force attraction, but I’m disappointed that none of these women felt like giving it a bit more time to see if something could build. They learned so little about me.

I’m not angry, but I’m overwhelmed. I’ve really pushed my anxiety thresholds in the past few weeks, and it hurts.”

KT is obviously discouraged. But we should keep this in perspective – he’s already made very important progress. He’s done the tough work. What he needs now is to refine his understanding of the way women deal with men who are displaying interest. Let’s take this apart and see where KT got off track. Obviously, I only have his side of the story, but here are my observations.

The girl actively avoided him when she arrived.

At that point, he should have totally dropped his plan to invite her out. Attraction is a dance, with both parties communicating a great deal nonverbally. She sent a message she hoped was clear – she did not want to interact.

From her POV, KT’s invitation by text during the meeting made her feel trapped and that her feelings were being ignored. She was so agitated that in his words she “bolted” from the meeting, not staying to socialize with anyone, much less KT.

She was polite and respectful, and KT responded in kind when communication was direct.

She replied to the text and told KT she was not attracted to him. In this case, the idea of leaving the door open in case she changes her mind would probably feel like subtle pressure. Her behavior has been so distancing that I feel KT would have been better off simply replying “no problem” rather than indicating his interest would remain or wishing her the best. His response feels almost “too nice” after she fled the building to avoid him, and the last thing she wants now is open-ended drama.

In retrospect, her halting the texting was the cue.

KT says that after he got her number, she was responsive for a few days. I don’t know the kind of texts KT was sending, or their frequency, but clearly those texts had her in Avoidance Mode when the group next met. I think there’s something to be said for leaving them wanting more. A friendly text after chatting is fine, but he might have viewed their first meeting as a promising start and resolved to connect again at the next meeting. The texting may have felt like too much too soon.

Alternatively, if the chemistry is palpable I think it benefits a guy to follow up with a concrete invitation rather than go into chit chat mode over a number of days. For example:

“It was great meeting you. I’d love to continue chatting over coffee – how’s Saturday at 11?”

There’s nothing aggressive or inappropriate about suggesting coffee after one meeting, provided that her interest was already strongly indicated. KT did not have a strong conviction of this – he wasn’t sure whether she was interested or simply cordial. An ongoing text convo feels like a stretch in this case, at least to me.

KT says that this was the fourth woman he tried to connect with in three weeks. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s important that the guy’s energy or enthusiasm remain in step with hers. If she pulls back, abort! F*ck it, drive on.

I don’t offer this feedback to criticize – as I said, I think KT is doing a lot of things right. My sense is that some of these moves do come across as a bit anxious, though. I also think that he retains a bit of the PUA mindset of approaching, interacting and closing. In my view this is too transactional – he would be better served by getting acquainted with this woman in a more relaxed way within the group. If and when real chemistry was evident, he could suggest coffee. There’s no rush – women don’t like to be “targeted” with specific goals.

In future posts I’ll be writing more about generating attraction during the conversation rather than focusing on “closing” or getting her to agree to another meeting just because the initial conversation went OK. In this way, girls will learn more about KT and he will learn more about them before a yes or no is required.

Having said all this, I think KT has been able to create a great CBT plan all on his own. He’s experimenting, taking note of what works and what doesn’t. He’s refining his approach. I hope you’ll all jump in and comment with your own observations and suggestions – I want us to be as helpful as we can as a community!